Emotions are very interesting things, especially when it gets to those very powerful ones that you have little or no control over. The ones that grip you deep down inside and keep a fastened grip squeezing into you the idea of what you are thinking and feeling.

I'm always overcome by an entire collection of thoughts and ideas which are mostly not very positive. People say; "Change the way you think". As if it's that simple...
A "Doors" song states; "I've been down so God damned long, that it looks like up to me". Jim Morrison certainly had many ideas and outlooks that I can identify with.

I've been a person that has truly been "down" for so long, that the idea of being "otherwise" scares me. I've almost found a very depraved "comfort" in being "depressed", and I'm not sure that I actually want to change it because the other side really doesn't look very real to me. I also really don't quite know exactly what it really feels like to be truly happy. Sure, I have fleeting moments of happiness, but they aren't really "real". What is real though? (In my eyes?)

All I'm really saying though is that sometimes it's really bad and other times it's something I can deal with more easily.
Oh, and don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to get attention, sympathy or any other reaction like that in any way; I'm merely expressing a few thoughts in a journal, albeit a public one.

And now for one of those thoughts which have been very prominant on my mind: I'm really missing someone from my past alot. I have been for a very very long time, and I'm afraid that what was once a forbidden fruit to others has now just become a forbidden friend which I dearly miss. I, as always, wish her all the best and wish only happiness for her, but if she reads this, then atleast I have communicated what I needed to.

Anyway, I feel that I may have shared too much (willingly), and I dare not share any more as yet.